His Own Name

The confirmation came on a Wednesday afternoon.

Rachel asked Matteo to come to her office. He asked Liana to go with him.

By then, they knew enough that neither of them expected a different answer. Knowing did not make the short journey easier.

The child buried as Noah Graves had been identified as Nico Varric.

Matteo sat with his hands flat on his knees while Rachel explained what had been established and which corrections were still being arranged. Liana watched him absorb each practical detail as though it were something he could carry for his son.

When Rachel stopped speaking, he asked whether Nico could be buried beside Elena.

"Yes," she said. "We'll help you arrange that."

He nodded.

Then he asked her to spell Nico's full name back to him.

She did.

Nicolas Elena Varric.

"My wife chose the first name," he said. "I chose the middle one. She said he'd hate me for it when he was sixteen."

His mouth trembled.

Liana took his hand.

The service was held the following week beneath a pale, windy sky.

There were no photographers. Daniel made certain of that. No distant acquaintance arrived to tell Matteo what a strong man he was.

Mrs. Bell stood with Noah beneath a bare tree, far enough away to give them privacy, close enough that Liana could see his red hat.

The small coffin had Nico's name on it now.

Matteo knelt beside it before the service began.

He placed the blue shoe inside with its mate. Then a photograph of Elena, and a folded letter he had written three times before deciding the first version was the one he meant.

Liana did not read it.

Some things could remain between a father and his son.

When Matteo stood, he swayed slightly. She put a hand beneath his elbow without making him look at her.

He spoke only briefly.

He told them Nico had laughed at sneezes. That he had hated having his feet covered. That Elena had once accused Matteo of buying the entire baby department because he couldn't decide which blanket was softest.

Then his voice failed.

Nobody hurried to fill the silence.

After the coffin was lowered, he remained beside the grave until the others drifted toward the cars.

Liana waited with him.

"I kept thinking there might be another answer," he said.

"I know."

"Even after the report. Even this morning."

She looked at the flowers moving in the wind.

"I used to wake up and forget for a few seconds. Then I'd remember, and it would happen again."

He turned toward her.

"Does that stop?"

She could not give him an answer borrowed from the miracle she had been given.

"I don't know what it will be like for you. But you won't have to pretend with me."

He bowed his head.

For a while, they listened to the wind.

At the car, Noah reached for Matteo.

Matteo looked at Liana before taking him. She nodded, though she was no longer certain what permission he thought he needed.

He held the baby against his chest and kissed the top of his red hat.

Then he cried again, quietly, without turning away.

Liana stood beside them until he was ready to go home.

In the weeks that followed, she learned that happiness could return without announcing itself.

Noah discovered how to pull himself upright against the sofa. He developed a passionate hatred of peas. One morning, Matteo walked into the kitchen wearing a sticker on the back of his shirt and attended an entire call before Daniel told him.

Liana laughed so hard she had to sit down.

Other mornings were difficult. Matteo sometimes disappeared into the garden before breakfast. Sometimes he told her why. Sometimes he only returned with cold hands, and she made room beside her.

She began taking Noah to her apartment during the day.

The first time, Matteo offered three different practical reasons to accompany them. Liana waited until he ran out.

"You can ask to come," she said.

He looked faintly embarrassed.

"Would you like company?"

"Yes. But Daniel has to stop glaring at my neighbors. Mrs. Alvarez thinks he's collecting a debt."

Matteo laughed.

It was the first time she had heard the sound without pain catching it halfway through.

At the apartment, he helped lower the crib mattress now that Noah could stand. He fitted badly into the little room, knees knocking the chair, sleeves pushed up as he argued with a stubborn screw.

Liana sat on the floor with Noah and watched.

"You could have sent someone," she said.

"I wanted to come."

She looked down before he could see what that did to her.

A week later, she asked Mrs. Bell to end her employment.

The housekeeper did not seem surprised.

"I was wondering when you'd notice you haven't polished any silver in a month."

Liana smiled, then grew serious.

"I need to know where I stand."

Mrs. Bell closed the household ledger.

"Then have that conversation with him."

Liana found Matteo on the terrace that evening.

Noah was asleep upstairs, his belongings now divided between two homes. Her bag stood beside the stairs.

Matteo saw it when he came in for a jacket.

"You're leaving tonight."

It wasn't quite a question.

"I'm going home tonight. I need to try being there without feeling I'm abandoning anyone here."

He put his hands in his pockets.

"You aren't abandoning me."

"I know you know that in your head."

He looked at her, and she wished loving someone made it easier to say the things that might hurt them.

"I don't want us to become something we never chose," she said. "I came here because I needed wages. I stayed because I found Noah. Those things happened before this."

She touched his chest lightly.

"I want to know what this is when I don't live down the hall."

Matteo covered her hand with his.

"I've been afraid to ask for anything."

"You can ask."

He looked toward the open terrace doors, then back at her.

"I want to take you to dinner. I want to learn which side of the bed you sleep on. I want you to call when something good happens, not only when something goes wrong."

Her throat tightened.

"And I want to see Noah grow up," he continued. "But I know wanting that doesn't give me the right to decide it."

She moved closer.

"You can start with dinner."

"Tomorrow?"

"Tomorrow."

He bent his head until his mouth brushed hers.

"I'll pick you up at seven."

She smiled against him.

"You should know I'm not wearing that uniform."

"I was hoping you'd stopped thinking I needed it."

She kissed him properly then, holding his face between her hands.

When she left an hour later with Noah and the yellow blanket, Matteo carried the bag to the car.

He waited while she fastened the straps on the child seat.

Then he opened her door and stepped back.

The gate opened before she asked.

She looked at him through the window, touched her fingers to her mouth, and sent the kiss across the space between them.

He caught it with a smile that belonged entirely to her.