Chapter 21: Longing

In Clara’s words, Julian’s every day was dull and monotonous.

A life of commuting between two points—entering the office meant endless meetings and signing endless contracts. At mealtimes, he occasionally had to socialize, making it impossible to even enjoy a meal without worrying about his image. Clara had once patted his back sympathetically:

"Poor Mr. Hayes; having returned for half a lifetime, you can't even indulge in a bowl of instant noodles in front of your floor-to-ceiling window."

"It’s not quite that bad," Julian said helplessly. "Clarie, I’m just an ordinary person."

"An ordinary person with a seven- or eight-figure balance in his checking account," Clara teased. "Mr. Hayes, when are you going to buy me a bag?"

Julian laughed and pulled her into his arms, whispering to ask what kind of bag she liked. Clara, feeling sleepy in his embrace, replied airily, "A pork and pickled cabbage bun."

When Jude arrived at Julian’s office building, it was just past lunch. The afternoon meetings were mind-numbing. Julian sat by the window, quietly listening to the financial report for next quarter's budget, mentally calculating the progress of several ongoing projects. What he failed to notice was a man on the street opposite the building, identical to him in stature and appearance, staring fixedly at the office tower.

Jude didn't know Julian’s exact floor, nor did he even know why he had come here. He had no clear motive or reason; the only thing he knew was that he wanted to see Julian once. He told himself:

just one look and I'll leave, nothing more.

So he found a bench and sat down, waiting from sunrise to sunset. The robot failed to realize that human corporations have underground garages, and so a whole day of waiting ended in nothing. By the time Jude realized this, Julian had already left. Mimicking the people exercising nearby, he stretched his limbs and walked back expressionlessly. One couldn't enter the internal garage of Julian’s company without an access card, so he could only try his luck to see if Julian would come out during mealtimes. But his time was limited, and waiting forever wasn't a solution.

Jude pondered, his gaze falling on the newly opened steakhouse at the base of the office building.

That evening, Clara inquired about Jude’s movements as usual. After receiving his daily work report, she prepared to leave satisfied, but Jude, as if by accident, forwarded a steakhouse review from a popular platform to her:

"This place has been very popular lately."

"It looks quite good," Clara searched for the location. "It's not far, either. Let's try it out someday."

"Mm, I guess you would like it. And I saw they have a couple's promotion lately."

"Oh?" Clara arched an eyebrow. "What are you planning?"

"I'm not planning anything," Jude smiled, the corners of his mouth curving up. "I can't eat, but Mr. Hayes can."

"Julian does like beef. I'll send it to him."

"However, the promotion is ending soon. The last day is exactly the day after you return from your trip. If you want to go, it's better to do it sooner rather than later."

Rather than betting on whether Julian would come out, Jude preferred to bet on Clara’s importance in Julian’s heart. From Clara’s descriptions, Julian was the type of person who would scout out date locations in advance. The steakhouse was right at his doorstep, and with the time constraint and Clara’s recommendation, Jude had every reason to believe Julian would visit while Clara was away. That way, he would have a chance to meet him near the shop.

His choices and actions were one hundred percent correct; at least compared to humans, he believed he held the advantage.

At noon on the third day of keeping watch, Julian walked out of the office building. Jude’s gaze followed him until he disappeared behind the steakhouse door, only to reappear at a window seat. Jude slowed his pace and, after a thought, stopped outside the shop. Julian’s seat was right by the window; with no obstructions, Jude could clearly see his every move. Julian looked more mature than he did in the photos. His well-tailored business suit elongated his frame, and the clean lines made him look sharp and efficient.

Jude looked down at his own off-the-shelf hoodie and tugged at the hem expressionlessly.

After speaking with the waiter, Julian picked up his phone and seemed to take a photo of the cafe's scenery to send to someone. Jude guessed it was Clara. While waiting for his food, he took a few more calls, and finally finished a steak.

When the restaurant door was pushed open, Jude didn't have time to look away. Standing not far away, he locked eyes directly with Julian. For a split second, his instruction program stalled; even the speed of raising his hand became sluggish. Fortunately, the mask covered most of his face. Jude lowered his head, pulled down his hat, and hunched his back, slipping away from the scene like an accidental passerby who had briefly drifted into Julian’s field of vision.

Julian didn't notice anything specific, though a strange sense of familiarity crept into his heart. He didn't dwell on it and walked quickly back to his office.

Upon returning home, Jude set the dining table for himself and adjusted the lighting to a color similar to that of the restaurant. He began to replicate Julian’s actions from the beginning, step by step: pushing the door, finding a seat, ordering, sending messages, taking photos, answering calls, and then eating.

"Hello, do you have a couple's set here?"

"Could you help me change this to red wine?"

"Clarie, how would you like your steak done?"

"Clarie, would you like to add anything else?"

"Clarie, do you like this shop?"

Outside the restaurant, Jude couldn't hear Julian’s words. He was merely imitating and speculating what it would be like if Julian and Clara met. What would they talk about? Clara would surely tell him about her experiences over the last few days—how busy work had been, how changeable the weather was, how fresh the street snacks were. She would tell him everything she used to tell Jude.

"Clarie, I miss you very much."

As his fork landed in the empty plate, Jude heard himself speak these words.

He stroked the tablecloth, his eyes a bit lost. Was this something Julian would say? Probably; it was the most common way for humans to express longing.

I miss you, I can't be without you...

Rote and slightly stiff. Jude didn't know how else to express it. He wanted Clara to come back; he wanted her to stay by his side and go nowhere. But he knew this was her job and he couldn't change it. So he would say he missed her; he would tell Clara, "I miss you very much." But he wanted Clara to feel that his longing was just as intense as Julian’s, not something that could be described in a dry sentence or two.

Perhaps human emotions were too fiery, while a robot’s words were too cold.

How should a robot say "I miss you"?

I miss you until the system program crashes and the hardware components shatter.

Even Jude found such a description nonsensical. He buried his head in his arms, feeling this kind of confusion for the very first time.